Reflections

It has been a rainy week - had a false alarm last wk on a possible buyer for my house. This person in trying to get a govt loan had them inspect and when looking at their inspection results I am very bummed about the potential of even selling my home. I know it needs work but this is the home that we shared our live with and it is way more than these strangers have labeled as not worthy. I am not sure what to do at this point. I so miss Chuck to talk things over. I have no one with whom I can confide in and know they will help me to honestly make a decision. The decision is whether I sell it possibly at breaking even or should I try to rent? All I know is that I want to start taking control and living and not feeling like such a loser living with my daughter. It is strange how just this feeling of being worthless and having my home considered a shack has come about by putting it up for sale!
Sometimes I wonder if I put too much on The Lord to take control of my life. I am abit angry as I have so prayed for so long for help on this and maybe this is my answer. Maybe there is no buyer, maybe I am to quit my job and move home and work at McDonalds, or maybe I will become more ill here real soon and not have any longer to enjoy good health and working. All these things go through my head. There is no way anyone can know what all I have inside my head. As much as I am told to live it to the fullest there is always that obstacle or two I seem to run into and either I don't know how to handle it or I am just too naive to figure it all out!
I find myself becoming abit bitter over it all and this is not what I want at all..............

CHANGE

In October 2011 I left Wellendofr ENT to go work at The Iowa Clinic in West Des Moines as receptionist. I had so prayed for the opportunity to find another position somewhere else and am so grateful and as always, the good Lord came through for me! I enjoy the people I work with and enjoy the company. Am living with Kalie in her apartment with her room mate for what I had hoped would be a small amount of time! It is now March and still I am living w/my daughter. My house has been up for sale and as much as I try to be patient and trust in Him to take care of me, it is so stressful certian days and weeks. I am going home on the wk-ends and enjoy having my home to relax in and do what I want to do. Honey is staying with my good friend Debbie in Pocahontas and I miss her so and she must be so confused!! Patiently we wait for that certin person to come and see my house and just know it is the one for them! I love my home, I have mixed emotions on selling it. This is the home I fought so hard to get to raise my girls in, this is the home they have grown up in! But it is just a house and wherever we all end up together is where we will make our home. I need to focus and know I need to sell and move on and leave that behind as this is where the job is. Lord give me strength.

ONE FULL YEAR

Wow, it is March 20, 2012 and where has the time gone? I know I am not much of a blogger as you can see for yourself with a year going by! I reflect on the past year and I have lost a dear friend, confidante and brother in law to lung cancer. Chuck was always someone I could talk with about anything and he always had advice or words to help console, comfort, or whatever was needed at the time. He was so brave and such a man of strength to go through his battle without complaint. But it was so sudden and so much went unsaid, although I feel he always knew how I felt about him. He is dearly missed as a male figure in my life as well as the girls.

Kelsey

Kelsey is my middle child, the one who is so ignored at times and left to deal with their own ability to entertain. I love her so and am so proud of her - she has had some difficulties and it seems obstacles more than the other two to overcome. I wonder why and yet maybe it is to give her strength and committment and I hope she can take positive from all that has come her way instead of dwelling on negativity from being a victim. I worry she has no confidence in how truly special she is as a person and an individual and so she tries to find it in people who may not be the best influence in her life. I pray the Lord guides her to find her strength and wisdom within to truly understand how to go about unafraid to reach her goals and be confident to be the leader among others who will revel in her following to either go with her or stray from her path. I love you Kelsey.

Musings

I have cleaned my upstairs and down, well, pretty well anyway! My closet needs tending to but if I am not mistaken, will be there tomorrow. I have plenty to do but just do not have the drive to do it. I know someone who has found out they have a terminal disease should not dwell on it and seriously, I try not to............ But when it comes to finding things that interest me they can be far and few between. The things that have meaning to me now are my children and I do still like to decorate but the drive has diminished. I wonder why as it is not any different now than from another person who knows not what their future holds. Yet I have images and diagnoses to remind me of what my future could hold, granted it it not all for sure and for when and yet again I may end up passing by a whole different plan.
I should go walk, but exercise was never my thing and lord knows now is not any more appealing. I dont want to lose hope - I am thinking it is the weather and when the sun starts shining and the warm weather beckons me to open my windows I will feel more at ease with making more of my time and being outside enjoying nature.

March endings

Already the 25th of March - time goes by so fast and I stop and think what have i done with it? I finally got down all my xmas decor but I think it was February which is ok. For my 57th b'day the girls surprised me with a party at the bowling alley w/all the family. What fun- hadn't bowled for years which of course showed in my score!
It was abit of a memorial wk-end as Kelsey ended up in the er and went and sat with her on my actual b'day. She had fallen down a flight of stairs onto her mouth chipping her 3 front teeth - Praise the Lord that is all she broke. We are still working on progressively repairing these.
Two wks later I get a call around 230am from Kegan who is in extreme pain. After off and on calls and calling 1st nurse for advice, Kelsey took her to the er. She ended up passing a kidney stone! Nothing scarier than your children in pain and in the hospital and thank you Lord once again for making all well. Kalie had a kidney stone as well at the age of 20 while living in Tx which was very hard to handle not being able to be there with her. WE have since found out the Grandma Seifried also had kidney stone surgery when she was younger and it can be hereditary. I know Marcia, my sister also had kidney stones and Bonnie as well! Not a pain I want to experience thank you.

Reflections.................

Contentment,,,,,,,,,,,,,Happiness,,,,,,,,,Love,,,,,,,Compassion,
I can not list all the experiences I felt over the holidays being with my girls..........I will take each and every one of my hours given to me to enjoy to the fullest and nothing means more to me than my most treasured gifts given to me in this world, and that is my beautiful girls. It seems like yesterday when they were 3, 5, & 7 and I prayed to the good Lord to please help me to raise them by myself and keep them safe. If I could go back I would because every bit of anxiety, fear and struggle was so worth it and it would give me more time with my girls........ It all went too fast. My prayer now is to ask of more time.......................